imma be pregnant forever

So okay, let's squeeze in some hard core pregnancy talk.

Sometimes I feel really weird talking about pregnancy because most of my friends have a) never been pregnant or b) are no where NEAR becoming pregnant so they might act interested in my disgusting descriptions of my crazy bodily functions but in their heart of hearts they are truly grossed out. That might be one of the hardest parts about being married and pregnant at the spry young age of 21. I feel completely out of place and very much underprepared for what I'm taking on. I don't have any close preggo friendsies or young mommies around to emote with me or explain to me that those crazy bodily functions are no reason to flip out. So I spend a crapload of time on babycenter.com researching all kinds of pregnancy symptoms and newborn care facts, and I text my mom a lot. I'm sure she's having a great time reliving her fun pregnancy experiences from almost 10 years ago.

I probably spend too much time wondering how different my pregnancy/new mom experience would be if I had a big sister or best friend who had gone through this first. I think I'd be a lot more confident. I probably wouldn't spend so much energy worrying. It's hard being the first. It's really hard being the first. This is the first grandchild on both sides, and that fact is so intimidating. I just want so badly to do all of this right, but at the same time I want to do it so damn confidently that no one will bother to question or judge me. Because I'm so young I feel like doing this incredibly defensively might be the only way to do it all, though I know that's not true. The support around me from all of my family, Andy's family, all my friends and relatives is crazy awesome. Not one person has come out and directly asked me 'what the hell do you think you're doing are you crazy'. So why do I say that to myself every day?

^^oh and since we moved up to Spokane I no longer have the luxury of my enormous full size mirror. This last picture finally came through after many attempts to fit my enormous body in the frame of this tiny $5 mirror we got from walmart. Derp.

 Aside from all that complicated inner torment, as of today I am 31 weeks and 4 days along. That means there are 58 more days until my due date. 8 weeks and 3 days left. 1,377 hours. Yes. I am basically counting down to the millisecond. We have most of the essential baby stuff. Last week I got the diaper bag that I've been drooling after for the past couple months and it is Papa Vidmar approved (meaning it feels seriously indestructible). Coolest part is that it has hooks so it can hang off of our amazing Britax B-Agile Travel System that my momma got us. Andy and his dad built a little changing table out of a desk that they thrifted for $3.50 and now we're looking for some baskets to fit in it. I'm constantly reading amazon reviews of the best breast pumps and bottles, and we are finally fixing the vintage cradle that Andy's parents have borrowed from a friend. Everything is coming together!

As for me- I feel like a planet. A very chubby heavy planet covered from head to toe in stretch marks. I'm hardly exaggerating. I used up an entire bottle of bio-oil in the first 20 weeks trying to prove my genetics wrong. Alas, stretch marks are everywhere. All over my butt, boobs, underbelly, hips... there are even some crawling down my thighs to behind my knees. I mean, c'mon. It's like they are just there to mock me and how much I tried to prevent them. On a happier note- I'm imagining this kid will take after his great-uncle Peter Vidmar and be an incredibly gymnast because he is moving constantly. And it's gotten to the point that you can see just about every movement under my stretched out skin. Sometimes you'll see an elbow or a knee get dragged across the surface of my stomach and it's so unreal to watch. He's seriously centimeters from my hands but is still so inaccessible! I can't wait to hold that chubby little body in my arms. Until then- he has either gained 10 pounds in the last few days or has dropped really low because I feel like I'm lugging around a boulder. Most of the clothes we've bought for him are for 3 month olds because we have a hunch that he's gonna be a chunky kid. Andy resents me a bit for claiming our entire duvet as my own so that I can pretend it's a body pillow- because otherwise I have no hope at sleeping at night. I'm still craving dairy like nothing else on the world exists. Milk milk milk, yogurt, ice cream, cream cheese, and more milk. Liberty Lake is finally cooling down and I'm just about to weep with happiness because being pregnant in constant 90 degree weather is absolute death- especially when my entire world revolves around boots and sweaters. That time is just about here!

I spend a lot of time on instagram looking at tags like #newborn, or comparing my belly to the other ladies who post their weekly preggo pictures and hashtag them #28weeks #29weeks #30weeks etc...I also am constantly checking baby gap and H&M and Zara for their new stocks of baby clothes. And I am relentlessly pinning away on my baby boy pinterest page. Any time I come across a pin that says something like "10 tips for new moms during the first week" I immediately click on it and absorb every detail. Okay and besides all of THAT crap- just know that I have started 2 classes on independent study so I am doing something valuable with all of my time. But now we're just playing the waiting game. I'm working on creating my own day to day schedule until he comes because as of now I just wander around the house munching on granola and wasting the day away watching kardashians or chopped reruns.

SO CLOSE IT HURTS. LITERALLY. My body is SO done being pregnant. I'm sore and heavy and I waddle and I'm just over it all. But emotionally? I don't think I'll every be ready for this huge change that's about to happen. I'm working on mentally preparing myself- but c'mon how do I do that? Me and Andy are taking a childbirth class at the hospital which is incredibly informative but still we are reeling as we walk out the door. Us? Parents? Andy man is going to be some little person's daddy and I'm going to be a momma. It's incredibly freaky to think about. Maybe I just need a few weeks to finish processing that. How about exactly 8 weeks? Heh. Funny Rachel.


  1. Oh, Rach! I totally get how you feel! I was basically in the same boat 2.5 years ago, 21, pregnant, first grandchild on both sides and it felt like no one else close by was even close to the same timetable I was. Ugh. Let me know if you ever want to chat about things. I wished I'd had someone to ask all the crazy awkward questions to...

  2. Girl! I feel you! I'm 20, married and pregnant. My husband is the youngest- so I do have nieces and nephews on his side and people to get advice from, but I would still feel more comfortable if I had friends who were also pregnant. And I felt like I had to be really defensive at first and explain WHY we were pregnant and that it wasn't an accident and whatever- but over time I've just stopped caring. And if I seem confident and happy other people are cool about it too. Anyway, I feel you. I guess that's all I'm saying. :)


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