post-pregnancy stuff that i'm absurdly excited for.....

sleeping on my stomach rather than obnoxiously shifting from side to side a zillion times each night because comfort eludes me. stomach sleepers unite!

wearing all the cute fall sweaters that I've accumulated over the years that have been gathering dust in my closet because they reach only to my belly button right now.

for my feet to regain their slim boniness that I've missed. My mother-in-law took me to go get a pedicure last week and, though it felt amazing, I could hardly enjoy it because I hate these fat dimply piggies I call toes. Also I'd love to be able to fit into my shoes again.

for my body to finally kick this ridiculous cold that I've had for the past week. Not pregnancy related, but still. I'm looking forward to having clear nostrils again.

to be able to be on my feet for more than 20 minutes without having cramps, contractions, or charlie horses.

for people to stop looking at me with this face:

because my belly is so obviously huge and uncomfortable it basically hurts to look at me. 

maybe getting my pre-pregnancy body back? hopefully? I'm not sure how optimistic to be about getting all skinny again. I would like to admit openly that I spend way too much time checking out old pictures of myself and thinking, "for seriousness? I remember thinking I was fat when this picture was taken." maybe someday I'll have a healthy body image. Ha. But that day is definitely not today.

peeing the regular amount every day. I've forgotten how many times is normal. Twice? Last night alone I got out of bed 5 times to urinate.

for my fat fingers to slim down so my wedding ring will fit again. It hasn't fit since month 3.

to not feel like my body is being ripped apart from the inside. I mean I love him, but sometime when this boy kicks it's like he's trying to destroy me.... that might have to do with the fact that he's in the 95th percentile in size. Have I already mentioned that?

to be able to eat the following cravings that have plagued me since being diagnosed with gestational diabetes: a cinnamon roll, a wendy's frosty, french fries, hash browns, MILK, a purple slushie, hot chocolate, pumpkin pie, MILK, sourdough bread, kit kats, chocolate milk, milkshakes, MILK, corn bread, pancakes, ice cream, bananas, and last but not least, milk.


feeling baby kick

watching baby kick

watching/feeling baby hiccup

watching Andy watch/feel baby kick/hiccup

the excuse to lay around like a big lazy butt and do absolutely nothing for anyone but myself.

and that's it. 

If you were to ask me a few months ago what I enjoyed about being pregnant, my answer would probably include some happy fluffy nonsense about the magic of pregnancy and the incredible spirit growing inside me and all of these marvelous life lessons I've learned and how happy I am to be able to bring life into this fabulous world. But you ask a 9-month-full-term-overweight-mess-of-a-woman that question and I'm sorry but there are no words to describe how badly I want all of this to be over.




I wish I had more of an update for you all,
but really we're just waiting.

Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.
Waiting is exhausting. And extremely uncomfortable.

Everything is ready. Andy set up the crib, we have the car seat in the car, all of the baby's clothes and blankets are washed and folded. I think I got carried away. And I got carried away waaaay too early because now there is nothing left to do and I still have a few weeks until anything is supposed to happen. Blah. I am just too excited to meet this kid. The anticipation is killing me. Most of my preggo friends have recently had their babies and jeez louise I am so jealous.

Last week was especially hard. I was so uncomfortable it was difficult to move much. Every time I got up the pressure was so crazy and I was constantly having contractions (but only when I stood, which is how I knew it wasn't true labor). I also get these really crazy charlie horse things in my groin that start up when I move around. So sitting and laying down has been my favorite option. And then suddenly there was a day where I had a ton of energy and the pressure from the baby was suddenly not so intense. What did I do with all that energy? I think I took a 30 minute walk and called it good. And then watched all my shows saved on the DVR. And that energy was gone within 24 hours. Now I'm just completely exhausted again.

^^Addie is my best buddy. We nap together and watch Project Runway marathons without judging each other.

I'm supposed to be spending all my time working really hard on my independent study classes so that I can get them finished before the end of the year.... but instead I just lounge. I think there were 4 days in a row last week that I didn't change out of sweatpants (which kind of makes sense as I only have one pair of maternity pants that fit).  I do make an effort to switch up my extra large t-shirts, so you know, it's not too pathetic..... ack (I also shower on a regular basis. I'd like to make that much clear). I'm living the life I'm supposed to wait to live until I have a newborn and right now I feel guilty for how ridiculously unproductive I'm being. If I had a baby that I was taking care of I would totally not need to defend myself here because lounging and relaxing is what is expected. But right now it's just pathetic. But I still don't have the energy to change up my daily ritual and I just am not ambitious enough to try to make a dent in these dumb online classes. So we're back to waiting and waiting for this baby to make his appearance. I have another doctor's appointment in 2 days and I would love to have a definite conversation about when we'll be inducing. Getting a date set would but such a relief.

So that's that. Baby Vidmar is technically full-term this week, though he is huge and would have probably passed as full term 3 or 4 weeks ago. At 35 weeks he was over 7 pounds. 2 weeks later? Who knows. (Actually my ribs probably know. There is this one spot on my right side that this kid tends to favor when he's especially rowdy and I swear to you I am bruising internally). Just hoping that time starts moving really fast!


he's a fatty

First of all, today marks exactly 35 weeks of pregnancy. 35!
I've spent the majority of the year 2013 with a baby growing in my belly. 
And now I'm almost done! Huzzah!

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound. I was extremely nervous. There has been a LOT leading up to this. So many uncertainties that we were finally going to get the answers to, the biggest one being his size. Ladies with gestational diabetes tend to have very large babies, and the fact that me, Andy, and all of our siblings were pretty huge when we were born? Like 9 pounders? Not comforting. With big babies come big complications and at this point I just wanted to know already.

Our last ultrasound was almost 4 months ago when we discovered the baby's manhood.  Finally he was up there on the screen, positioned perfectly, his head down towards my pelvis with a chubby little hand squashed up by his face. You could literally see the fat rolls on his arms. One of the first things the technician mentioned when looking at his face was the ridiculous amount of hair he had and I did a mental victory lap around the entire hospital. YAYYYYYY BABY HAIR! No big headed bald troll babies for us! 

I mean would you look at that? Does that make anybody else insanely happy?

Suddenly the technician switched gears and turned on some 3D magic. Andy and I looked at each other in shock because as far as we knew- 3D ultrasounds were an extra pricey deal that only rich people got to experience. Apparently not! And our baby is gorgeous.

I still can't stop looking at this photo. It almost doesn't look like an ultrasound. It's just that perfect. And his chunky wrist! I can't handle it. He was sleeping and just so comfy in his corner he didn't want to move and give us a picture of the front of his face. The technician stayed down there for like 10 minutes purposely bugging him trying to get him to budge, but our stubborn little buddy was just so content. We only got a few profile shots but hey! I'm SO not complaining. We weren't expecting a 3D shot so this was such a surprise gift anyway! We sat in the waiting room looking at all these photos for a few minutes before we talked to the doctor. It's strange but I just couldn't connect that adorable squashed up face on the ultrasound screen with the ghostly kicking I've been feeling inside me. This baby I was looking at is the same one that has the hiccups 2-3 times a day, the same one who joyfully wiggles to Mumford and Sons, the one who we'll be meeting in just a few weeks....It's taken a while to connect those ideas all together. How could this be an actual little person inside me, complete with a thick head of hair and my nose? I mean look! That's my nose!

Finally we got to talk to our doctor and we got the news that we were expecting. This kid is gigantic. At 35 weeks he is measuring in the 95th percentile. 7lbs, 3oz. That's how big he should be at over 38 weeks. The doctor said that there is no avoiding the fact that this is going to be a big baby. If we wanted to avoid that we'd have to deliver him now and he is just not ready. We'll do another ultrasound at 39 weeks and then talk about inducing or doing a c-section. The biggest risk for a huge baby being delivered naturally is shoulder dystocia- where the baby's shoulder gets stuck and his collar bone breaks which might lead to permanent nerve damage. Obviously that is something we want to avoid, so if the baby is looking like he's going to be 10 pounds or more by 39 weeks then our safest option would be to schedule a c-section. The most that I can do right now is stick to my diet plan and keep my blood sugar stable.

While we were expecting this, I am still disappointed with the way this conversation went. After we left I finally got my head around what the doctor said and I wanted to walk right back in there and discuss it all over again. I do not want to wait until 39 weeks to talk about an induction or c-section. By that point it might be too late to discuss any other options because he'll be too big. I want to talk about this within the next few weeks - do some tests to see if his lungs are ready and then possibly induce at 37-38 weeks so I can deliver naturally. I just don't want to be backed into a corner with no other option but a c-section. So I have another appointment in 2 weeks. I plan to hash all of this out then, but in the meantime all I can do is get comfortable with my meat and veggies and keep my blood sugar as low as possible.

But all in all, I was very happy after that doctor's appointment. Yes, he is a huge baby and there is a lot we are going to have to discuss, but the doctor was very impressed with how I've been handling my blood sugar. I still don't need any medication. I've lost weight since my last appointment 2 weeks ago which has me over the moon. Our baby is completely adorable and healthy and has a magnificent amount of hair. When I laid down on the examination table the doctor felt my stomach and said, "you know you're having a contraction right now, right?" and I was like is that what that is? I feel those all the time when I change positions quickly and I thought it was just round ligament pain. Sweet confirmation. Also, it now makes sense why I look and feel ridiculously huge - it's because I'm carrying a full term baby.

I'm making good progress and I am happy. Happy happy happy. I might take this happy energy and go wash some baby clothes and prepare a hospital bag (because I'm still secretly praying I go into labor, right now, by myself. And then I'd have a sweet itty bitty baby boy and could eat a cinnamon roll. How amazing would that be?)



Back in October 2011 I had just started seriously dating some guy. To be honest, it was the first time I'd 'seriously' dated someone... ever.... I blame that on my ridiculously small high school and lack of normal social skills. But this guy had somehow decided that I was worthy of his charismatic awesomeness. I mean, he was a popular kid. It only took him a few weeks after he had moved into my apartment complex and he already had probably four times the amount of friends I had - not that I cared at the time. I spent most of my days watching Friends reruns and eating Nutella by the spoonful and I promise, I was quite content. Then all of the sudden he was this huge part of my life. We spent every single day together - and when he had to go back to school we spent every night on the phone and I missed him. I missed him like crazy. He was constantly on my mind. Exactly 2 years ago I made a weekend trip up to see him and we watched general conference by ourselves on his couch. He made us pancakes and was surprisingly a diligent note taker. We had only been dating a few months. It was then that we had our first conversation about our future together. I remember my face felt so hot when the word "marriage" was brought up and I was so embarrassed to even be thinking of that. But we talked about it. It was what we both wanted, and as far as we knew we wanted it with each other.

It's surreal to think that it was only two years ago that we took these pictures - just starting to date, nervous, self-conscious, wearing matching bracelets that we had just won at nickelcade... Sometimes I really miss the excitement of our budding relationship.

But then I look at this dude, who is right now blowing of some steam playing Battlefield while I sit on the bed with my laptop resting on my gigantic uterus pinning yet another load of stylish baby clothing. Every twenty minutes or so he'll turn and grab my foot, ask if I'm doing okay, smile, and then declare in a ridiculous voice that he loves me. Last night he dropped everything and spent over two hours patiently helping my sobbing pregnantness when I was so hopelessly frustrated with my online class I could have puked. He is not one to carefully read instructions, but does so almost completely willingly while I sit on the floor and watch him labor away putting together an ikea crib for our unborn baby boy. Lately he's been spending countless hours planning out a budget that will keep his family afloat for the next year. When I fart loudly, he publicly takes the blame. He knows that when I ask for a drink from the gas station it is always a 44 oz diet coke full to the brim with ice, and sometimes a snickers bar. If I enter our room and he's watching Firefly he will immediately switch it off and turn it to something else because he knows just how very much I detest that show. Every day he tells me I'm beautiful, kisses my stretched out belly, then whispers some obnoxiously dirty secret to his baby just loud enough so I can hear, laugh, and smack him.

These photos are quite telling. I love looking at them, because I see two things: First, the shy beginnings of our relationship (and the ridiculously good looking stud I fell in love with). Second,  I feel like they are so descriptive of what we have in our relationship now. It's just so comfortable. Within a few weeks we'll have added a third member to our tiny family and to be honest I'm terrified. Scared of the responsibility, definitely, but more so of how it will affect our relationship.  Ideally it will do wonders and we'll be more in love than ever, but I am wary of how difficult it might be. So now I'm doing all I can to just soak up the awesomeness that we have right now. Andy man is amazing. And if you couldn't tell by this long sappy post, I love him a lot.

-btw thanks Emma for letting me steal these pictures off your facebook page. Have I told you lately that you are an amazing photographer? Gracias.


i've got a bad case of the diabetes

I have diabetes.
Gestational diabetes, but still. Diabetes.
Gestational diabetes is like a temporary type 2 that comes with pregnancy. Has to do with an imbalance of hormones and the fact that the placenta doesn't filter sugar properly....and stuff. Yay. 2-10% of all pregnant ladies get this. Way to be part of the minority, Rachel.

Usually when you are about 28 weeks pregnant you'll go get screened to make sure your blood sugar is normal, but since I moved out of Idaho and then spent a month partying it up in Utah I didn't get tested until 31 weeks. They brought me in and plopped down a cloyingly sweet sugary drink that I was to guzzle, and then an hour later they drew my blood and high-fived me on my way out. Not a big deal, unless you fail. Which they immediately called and told me that I did. My blood glucose was at 144 and the cut off was 129, so they had me go in for more testing two weeks later. I had to fast for 12 hours before this appointment (gah! so hard for my pregnantness). They tested my fasting blood sugar, plopped down an even nastier version of the cloyingly sweet drink and then continued to stab me over 7 times for the next 3 hours (I just have ridiculously hard-to-find veins. My body is too cushy. It's a real problem.) It actually wasn't that bad. I finally finished Mindy Kaling's book, got started on The Fault in Our Stars, and watched all the weird old ladies at the Ob-gyn office. Seriously, what a crowd. Time flew.

But I failed miserably. All of my scores were offensively high. When a doctor tells you that you've failed a blood glucose test, doesn't that just sound like you've failed your pregnancy midterm or something? All the nurses were very solemn, and I was extremely upset. I didn't know anything gestational diabetes. The only thing I thought I knew was that you get it when you've gained too much weight, and gaining weight has been a huge problem for me. It's an extreme sore spot. I've been so disgusted over the fact that I've gained so much that hearing that I now had a version of type 2 diabetes? The absolute worst. I felt like it was all my fault and that my baby was going to have complications and then all those complications were going to be my fault too--despite what my doctor kept saying about how I could have gained only 20 pounds and I would still have some level of gestational diabetes and that this can be controlled through diet and medication. Andy dropped me off at home after my appointment and I immediately put on my running shoes and went out and walked for over an hour. I just couldn't take my fatness any more and I felt completely horrible (btw walking for so long is HARD right now. My hips and pelvis are so sore and I feel like my uterus might just fall right through me. So. Heavy.) I feel bad that I totally didn't believe my doctor. Is it strange that I felt like he was just saying what I wanted to hear? I left that appointment feeling completely responsible and like this pregnancy was just a complete failure. Like someone stamped a black mark on my forehead that read FAT LOSER WHO ALREADY RUINED HER FIRST BABY.

My older sister Becca is a type 1 diabetic and has been for almost 13 years, but she's on an LDS mission and I couldn't exactly call her up and talk to her about this. So I called my mom, who was there when 11 year old Becca was diagnosed, there to absorb all the information she could from the doctor about her situation, there to help Becca with this huge lifestyle change. She was the perfect person to talk to in my extremely brittle emotional state. We talked about how for reals this wasn't my fault--the doctor wouldn't just go about saying that, you dummy. We made a list of all the great low-carb foods I'll be able to eat. We talked through how simple this would be and how C'MON Rachel this is not a death sentence. It sucks that this happened, but I can make it 6 weeks on a low carb diet. That's all it's going to take. I felt great after this conversation. A lot more optimistic. Though I still kept googling things like "gestational diabetes and big babies" and "late diagnosis of gestational diabetes".

Since I wasn't diagnosed until 33 weeks, my biggest worry is how much harm has already been done. Diabetics are known for their huge babies and I'm terrified of having an unhealthy monster baby with complications and low blood sugar who will have to be monitored for a long time. I'm trying to assure myself that the fact that my uterus is measuring exactly right means he's not ginormous yet and he will stay a healthy weight if I can keep my diet under control, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I have an ultrasound in about a week and I guess that might be the only way to really tell. I do not want to be induced early or have to get a C-section just because he's a big baby. He needs to cook for as long as he can. That's the only thing that has me super nervous.

Andy's family is the best about all of this btw. They totally give me a hard time about it but they all are so health conscious (Andy excluded) that they know 100% what gestational diabetes is and how to best eat low carb. Andy's brother Paul is always saying I've got a bad case of the diabeetus and a few days ago we grilled and ate an entire pack of bacon together (yeah I know, all fat...but NO CARBS). I'm so glad to be up here with them where there is absolutely no judgement and just tons of support. Except that Andy has no idea what a carb is and keeps asking me if I can eat pasta or chocolate. Dummy. I need to make him a chart or something.

I met with my dietician yesterday. Best news ever was that I don't have to be put on medication unless I'm unable to control this with a low carb diet. Also, this whole deal will immediately stop once I give birth. They'll be more watchful of the baby's blood sugar to make sure that he's balancing out correctly, but as for me--I can eat a cinnamon roll the minute after I push him out of my lady parts. YAYYYY! My doctor got me all set up with my finger pricker thingy and blood tester gadget and a whole bunch of testing strips. Watching my sister Becca prick herself for 13 years has me feeling a lot more confident about using this stuff. For the last 24 hours I've been poking and testing and eating and feeling--trying to get the hang of this. So far all my readings have been really great. Success!

Sorry for the novel. Thankfully you all only have to hear about this for 6 more weeks.
Wait.... 6 MORE WEEKS?!? Holy freaking A. This shiz is really happening.