so long 2013

2012 was easily the best year of my life.
And 2013 was easily the toughest.

Everything I ever thought I knew about myself suddenly changed and my self confidence was thrown for a loop. It was crazy. And hard.

I'd like to think I grew up a bit. Maybe I'm a little more patient. Maybe more confident. Maybe slightly more emotionally mature? Mostly I feel like I was thrown into a bunch of impossible situations and I just did all I could to not drown. I'm not sure that's growth... could just be survival.

I had to self-validate myself over and over and over. I would say that is this year's theme.
Self-validation. Forced confidence. Yeah.

We moved to Rexburg in January, leaving my entire life behind. EVERYTHING was new. I left BYU just when things were getting good: I was sitting comfortably in the Illustration program, loving my friends, getting closer to my professors... And BYU-I is not BYU. I knew nobody, I hated everybody and I just did. not. want. to. be. there. I couldn't find a job for months. I was stuck in this small town, doing nothing, knowing nobody. The distance from Provo made relationships with even my closest friends really difficult and somehow I lost the ability to really communicate with any of them. I felt isolated. Except for Andy. Andy is awesome. No one ever needs to doubt the awesomeness that Andy Vidmar. But it took a lot of effort to get myself out of that depressing rut.

And then I got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, that was completely awesome, but becoming a mom is the most terrifying thing. That responsibility is endless. It's the biggest commitment I'll ever make in my life, and I feel like I made the decision too quickly. My word, the boy I birthed is beyond perfect and I love him to pieces, but me as a person? I am 21 years old and utterly too immature to be handling such a giant job. But you know, fake it till you make it, right? It's taken all I've got to stay confident in the face of the doubters (me being the biggest doubter of them all of course). It wasn't until after he was born that I started to understand that being Rory's mom is really what I'm meant to do. I am thrilled now... but for months I was constantly judging myself and doubting myself and was just so worried about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Also, birthing a 10 pounder really took a toll on what was once my nice skinny bod. I gained 50 lbs in one year. You can't do that without crushing emotional side effects. Talk about self-validation. It takes all I've got to not be disgusted what the body see in the mirror every day. I'm working hard on staying proud of my body.

So those were the hard things, but YES there WERE good things. Obviously being married to Andy is a riot and we're going on our second year and our relationship has truly never been better. This year I discovered my love for oil painting and I improved tremendously. I spent the majority of this year pregnant, and though it was tough, it was also an amazing experience. I basically traveled the entire month of August. I got to escape Rexburg and move up to beautiful Spokane. I spent endless amounts of time relaxing and preparing for our baby boy's birth, while having a blast getting to know Andy's family better. I BIRTHED RORY BOY and spent the last two months absolutely loving being his mama. For the most part, I was happy. There were just a lot of tough moments that I know I will cringe when I think back on.

I am so excited for a fresh start. Jimmy Fallon excited. Even though we are moving back to Rexburg again at the end of this week, I am way more optimistic than I was a year ago. Being Rory's mama gives me a huge reason to try my hardest every single day and I am just so excited for his first year, no matter where we are. Wahoo. I'm also going to graduate from college this year (hopefully), which is a huge step forward in life.

So cheers 2013. GOODBYE.

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