4.09.2014

someday i'll be rich

Sometimes I go online and put hundreds of dollars worth of clothes in my Zara shopping cart. Baby sneakers, baby t-shirts, sweaters, overalls, hats, shorts, skinny jeans... and then once I've found everything I could possibly want I look at the final price and close the window.

Sometimes I go to Zillow.com and look somewhere I really want to move to. Portland. Seattle. San Diego. Austin. I'll search for houses, usually 4 bedroom, with a large yard, twenty minutes or so from the big city. I'll study the photos, planning out my renovations. I'll look at the school districts. I've become extremely familiar with the school districts in Portland.

Sometimes I think if I just had five hundred dollars. Just five hundred dollars of my own! To spend on whatever, I could get everything I want right now: A good pair of jeans that FIT me, birkenstocks, a few high quality t-shirts, a jogging stroller, maybe a heart rate monitor, a yoga mat.... these things aren't outrageous. But they are so inaccessible right now because we are broke. When I say broke, I mean we are living off of our savings. Our "budget" is basically: spend the least amount possible because we don't even have the income to budget around. Buying a pair of pants? Even a highchair for Rory? We can make it happen, but both of us are gritting our teeth and keeping our eyes partially closed because, aghhh we don't have the money.

I guess I got such a large dose of FUTURE when Rory was born. Does that make any sense? Rory pushed us out of the honeymoon stage and now we're a legitimate family. But we're still living the lives of college students because we ARE college students and our living situation is so temporary. Still getting our undergraduate degrees, still renting an apartment with loud neighbors and no yard. I feel so stuck here, which makes a lot of sense since we're living in a college town that's been plopped in the middle of NOWHERE.

It's been addicting, to fantasize where my family will end up and what type of car I'll drive and where the closest parks will be and the quality of the farmer's markets in the area. Am I crazy? I feel guilty sometimes, that I might not be living in the moment and enjoying the "now", but that's not true. I know I am. But way too often I just want to burst from dusty Rexburg and drop in on my modern-midcentury-eclectic house where all of our closets are bursting with high quality clothes from Madewell and Rory's bedroom is decked with toys from The Land of Nod and we can run outside to our large private grassy yard where maybe we'll have a dog or chickens or a garden or something amazing.

Stupid mommy blogs. I know all these ladies I follow are in their thirties and have well established careers and they were all probably in our situation at some point in their lives but they have all given me HUGE EXPECTATIONS FOR MY FUTURE which may or may not be incredibly unhealthy.

...... MAYBE SOMEDAY.

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